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Elton John - Rocket Man (HQ)

Name me Manly McManliness

I found an article that Cracked.com posted a long ass time ago, and I have had it saved in my bookmarks since. I never really thought I would ever find a use for it until the Man Institute was born. The article is basically a list of the 9 manliest names ever found and whether or not the people live up to their names, and I’m sure some of you have viewed it. Obviously there are going to be arguments made for and against each name, but it is impossible to argue that a persons name does not greatly determine their manliness in life. The cracked article can be found here.

This got me thinking. If a persons life is pre-determined by the name given to them at birth, why are people still being named unsuccesfully. I’m not talking about surnames obviously, or even middle names, but first givens. Surnames and middle names are a little hard to argue, and I think it’s kind of like a badge of honor if you have a ridiculous middle name as chances are it was decided for you after a few drinks and a conversation with an estranged family member who desperately needs some form legacy, even if it does only consist of his name being referenced within your own. Damn you uncle Mervin and your conniving ways!!

But honestly, I think it is possible to determine a persons lifestyle,  weight, and overall success just on the basis of their name. Try it out sometime, I guarentee you’ll be astonished with your accuracy. To prove my point I’m going to list a few names that I personally associate with certain things. Read the name and think of everyone you know or have met with that first name, I would put good money that the stereotype is not far off.

Patricia- Obese, or at least marginally overweight

Beatrice- Also obese, brown hair, huge melon

Bruce- Never cleanly shaven, pretty large (not necessarily fat), likely works a trade of some type

Steve (the ones who are referred to as Steve, and not Steven)- Average build, leans toward muscular, most likely to have lighter colored hair, likes to wear wife beaters, generally construction workers

Sarah- Generally pretty hot, a little on the insane side

Autumn- Awesomely hot, but never too bright upstairs

So, what do you think? Am I getting pretty close? Likely. It’s a fun game, and if you play it, you will realize that the name truly does make the person. Now, since this is supposed to be a man website it is necessary to identify some first names you can give your child that will ensure his spot in man heaven, before it is too late.

Always Manly Names

Clint- Self explanatory…one syllable of manliness. Clint may not always be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I guarantee you that if he reaches age 50, he will have some awesome stories.

Grizzly- You cannot name your kid after a man killing animal and expect him to grow up unmanly, it’s an impossibility. Not to mention, you also know he will have ridiculously awesome facial hair and likely be the envy of all his childhood friends. Try turning the name grizzly into some type of negative nickname. Can’t do it.

Tim- Not to be confused with Timothy. Tim is a name that is short and to the point. It exudes manliness via its simplicity. Tim’s are generally found working on vehicles and smashing their thumbs with hammers.  Have short tempers when drinking, but are usually pretty tough to back it up. They usually are able to out-think many of their manly name associates.

Wolfgang- You will never see a Wolfgang under the age of 40. In fact,  men named Wolfgang walk out of their mothers vagina’s smoking corn cob pipes and telling stories of their youth…stories laden with curse words. When I was a wee lad I knew a fella named Wolfgang and refused to even walk near his house, for fear of him chasing me down the street just to give me an ass kicking for that one time I stole carrots out of his garden.

Ivan- Usually a monster of a man. Hands the size of frying pans and he’s not afraid to slap you around with them. Ivans generally make excellent father figures and are masters in child discipline. They don’t necessarily need a beard to scare the shit out of you, they are capable of accomplishing this with the tone of their voice alone.

Magnus- This is kind of stolen from the Cracked list, but it is too manly not to mention here. The name itself means “great.” Naturally, anyone sporting the name is going to be physically incapable of being small or weak. Producing muscle at an exponential rate, your son will soon become the manliest behemoth child on the block. The instant someone calls him Fagnus Magnus, your child will have the physical size and strength to crush the little rodents skull to dust.

Well, this was just a brief “emergency” list you might say. Take these names and begin forcing them on your significant other as soon as possible. By the time she is ready to birth your children, she will be completely convinced with your reasoning, and accept it. Although, you must be prepared to never have sex with her ever again, as the majority of these names accompany children so large and powerful, the average vagina would never recover. Unless your wife is named Wanda, in that case she will just walk it off.

Feel free to post your own comment as to how far off I am, or just add to the list of obvious name-lifestyle correlations.

About the Author

The Man Institute was founded based on the deteriorating amount of manliness in today's men. Men are becoming wimps, whiners and overall unmanly.

At the institute, we aim to give rise to manliness in todays society through manly articles about everything that a man should be.

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